The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers..."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, & some really great news. Which do you want to hear first? Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound King crabs & 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, & we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
The Duck Dispute
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Indiana. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
As the lawyer climbed off the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not
coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the US, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Indiana. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Hoosier "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Hoosier Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."
The Attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up
to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick
to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto
his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay,
you old coot. Now it's my turn."
I love this part....
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."